Goals, being vulnerable

Yesterday while driving to our weekly team mtb ride at Skeggs, I listened to Ellen Noble’s latest episode on her podcast “This One’s for You” where she interviews Hilary Swirlbul, an Olympian nordic skier who recently retired from professional competition at the age of 25. This was just a few weeks ago in relation to when the podcast was recorded. Noble complimented Swirlbul on how wise she sounds in her decision making for more rounded life happiness, and I agree, and this led to a great conversation about the benefits of therapy. That’s not what I wanted to write about, but it’s also not that off-target. What got me really thinking was Noble’s question of why be vulnerable, what do we gain from being vulnerable. Further, what does “being vulnerable” even mean?

I’m feeling this question as I realize that my own writing project here in this space is pretty vulnerable work, if I am brave enough do it the way I really want to. Mountain sports and activities are a huge part of my life, so is being a woman in that setting, but it feels bold or presumptuous of the value of my own voice to write about it so openly — with all my mediocrity hanging out there — instead of just quietly continuing to do the outdoorsy things I’ve been doing for most of my life, with my friends. This also gets back to my prior post about Sally McRae’s book and other memoirs by pro women runners I read recently including Kara Goucher, Des Linden, and Lauren Fleshman. Another memoir I read this Spring that is older — Tyler Hamilton’s book The Secret Race — is about doping in cycling especially related to the Tour de France. All these memoirs relate to Noble’s interviews in that the athletes really break it down and reveal self-truths that are both consequential and not. That is, it’s their story to tell, their truth, and while it may reveal ugly parts of the sport or personal lives, being honest about ourselves and the systems we participate in is how we both change harmful systems and create a more messy and complex and therefore accurate picture of ourselves as people.

If one of the goals of being vulnerable is to be honest and to say hard, personal things that we feel to be true, I think honesty at the level of uncertainty and questioning is also a source of knowledge and experience worth sharing. For example, welcome to my brain, I know I’m not alone here and you have your own similar list. These could all be topics for future posts that are vulnerable subjects for me.

• Flats or clips: do I really need to survive this learning curve for XC mountain bike racing? Can’t I just be fast on flat pedals even if it’s a pedally course? I battle with this every week the way I battled with lead climbing above the bolt way back when that was new to me.
• What does it mean to be a perimenopausal woman athlete in any body, and in my own body? Only a few women are openly talking about this on social media, but thank gawd for you, Camille Herron, and others starting the conversation (see Herron in Runner’s World).
• Who else dreads the eastern Bay Area hillsides in the fall because tarantula migration? It’s almost September, so time to get prepared for a sighting.
• I’m mostly a gym climber for the first time in my life and this is so embarrassing to my former self! Is this me now? Rumney probably cries every time I meet my beloved partners indoors, which is 3 days a week.
• Training nutrition for climbing and bike riding: I feel good, I eat a lot, but am I doing it right? Who TF knows?
• What races and events do I really, truly want to do next? I need to decide before I get tugged into others’ agendas.
• I mourn the ability to go trail running intensely and therefore I often refuse to go on hikes alone where I used to run – I would rather ride my bike. How can I overcome this mentality that I know is pretty ridiculous?
• etcetera …